There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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