cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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