so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
