If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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