Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
