Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
