I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
