i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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