I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
