I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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