you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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