Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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