That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
