So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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