I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
