he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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