I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize