considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
