We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
