Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
