He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
