when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Randomize
