Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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