cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize