she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
