His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
