I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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