what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
