I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
