The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
