I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
