you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
