I wannas sexs uuuuu
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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