If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
