I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
