Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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