Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize