John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
