I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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