I just pynch a tree in the face
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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