I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
