i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I deserve this hangover.
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