im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
