I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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