allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
