I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
