Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
