i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
