why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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