I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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