So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
