Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
