I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
