We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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