woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
