i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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