ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
