Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize