Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
